Growing up, I was blessed with a beautiful home, pets, and family. My family never really faced difficulty, economically. My parents showered me with so much love and gave me basically everything I wanted. And I was a very greedy kid. Because I was fortunate with everything I wanted, I didn’t know the feeling of not getting what you wanted or waiting. You could say I only knew the GOOD in life. But then of course with too much good going on in my life, life had to show me the other side and that’s when my world turned upside down. After I turned 4 or 5, I realized that my father would come back home drunk every night. At that time I didn’t know what “drinking and getting drunk” was. One of my routines every night was to wait for my father to come back home and greet him with hugs and kisses and tell him about my day. But those late nights continued and it became hard for me to stay up because I was a little kid and I just fell asleep early. The more days of him coming back home drunk, the more he changed from someone I knew and respected. That’s when the amount of time I spent with my father lessened. He dragged my family a lot with his actions and decisions because obviously, when you’ve been drinking a lot you are unable to think straight. Yesterday, you’re kissing his cheeks and showing him how much you love him and today you’re pretending to sleep because you don’t want him to talk to you. You could say I loved him during day time and I was afraid of him at night because I realized that my very own father was a monster to me as a little kid growing up. There was this time when my (biological) little sister got very sick and she was at a point where the doctors informed us that she might not make it. It shocked both my mother and I and we did everything we could. We called up other doctors and hospitals from all around town because I wasn’t going to let them take my sister away from me. (I think i was 10 or 11 at that time)
Miracles happened and a doctor saved my sister. It was the most relived feeling I felt in my entire life. It was midnight and the doctor wanted my sister to stay at the hospital for a while for checkups and treatments. My mother asked me to leave and get some rest at home because we’ve been up all night. I waited downstairs for my driver to come pick me up when I encountered my father across the parking getting down from his car. His driver had his arms around his shoulder, helping him walk towards the hospital. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I still can’t put into words how furious I was with him. One of your daughters almost lost her life and you are out drinking and you think she wants to see you when you’re drunk!? That was the night I lost the last percent of respect I had for him. I remember myself writing in my journal about how he was the worst father in the entire world.
This continued for years. My mother decided that it was best for all of us if my parents lived separately. Because of him, she didn’t want our childhood to be taken away. She didn’t want us to miss out on how a normal childhood should be like. Despite all the negativity my father brought home, mom found ways to make us happy. She dealt with him every night, and still manage to wake up early in the morning to cook breakfast and lunch for us, and take us out of the country during school breaks for a getaway. She made sure we didn’t feel less important because we didn’t have our father with us all the time like the other families. She would tell me every day that whatever I want to be in the future, she will support me throughout the entire process.
When I turned 14, puberty hit me and I was rebellious against my parents. There were nights I didn’t go back home, lying to mom that I was working on a group project when I was out late at night partying, sneaking out at night to meet guys who only took me for granted, etc. I remember that one night when my mom picked me up from a club because she got a call that I passed out. To this day, I can still remember clearly how disappointed she was with me. She got so angry that she yelled, “If you’re going to continue acting this way, I’m going to leave this country and leave you. I’m going back home to where I belong.” I looked in her eyes and said, “Then, go. Go back home to Japan. I’m going to live with papa. It’s all your fault he’s like this.” That was the first time I saw my mother cry. That was the moment I realized I really hurt her and my heart broke into pieces. To this day, I still hope I never said that. I wish I could take it all back because that is the last thing I would say to her. She decided to move me to New York, where I can restart my life and forget about everything that is happening at home. Since my Japanese was VERY weak, she wanted me to learn it as well. So she decided to transfer me to Keio in New York where they teach classes in both English and Japanese. I pictured my life in New York to be just like in the movies. I was shocked to see most of the students were either half or full Japanese. They only spoke English in class but outside of that, all in Japanese. I didn’t understand most of the things they were saying. I failed many of my Japanese classes and a teacher even once asked me, “Do you even think of graduating high school? How are you even here when you can’t even properly introduce yourself in Japanese?” Every night I went back to my dorm crying because with all the shit back home, mom was there for me and now I had no one there for me. I was still 15 turning 16. All i asked for was a good school life and a fresh start. I sent mails to mom saying I wanted to quit school but all of them got ignored. And I later found out she was seeing someone new and it completely shed me into pieces. I apologized my sister for leaving her and not being able to be there for her when she needed me the most. I was so depressed because the reason I left home was for mom and my sister. There were days when I thought of leaving this world because I didn’t know what I was capable of or maybe my father would then realize how much shit he had put our family through, change himself and be a proper family again with my mother and sister. I basically spent almost all my life in a counsellor’s room lol. It was one of the hardest moments in my life.
I was so close to giving up when my favourite teacher helped me throughout my entire high school years. She was the first person I opened up to and calmly said, “If you want to leave this world, I’m not going to stop you. But you have to know that just because you think you leaving will bring happiness to all, you are wrong. You have no idea how many people are going to mourn for you when you’re gone.”
That touched my heart and because of her words, I was able to get through everything. I viewed life in a different way. From a different perspective. That’s when I noticed there were many things I should be thankful for.
All I wanted was to sit and tell my father how my day was and tell him how much I love him. Because of the alcohol effect on him, he stopped drinking but he’s still mentally ill. One moment he’s talking to you and the next he asks you how school was because he still thinks you’re in middle school. Today, I believe that whatever bad thing someone has done, there is always good in them. And I always try to be positive and find the good in someone.
To mama, I don’t know if you’re going to see this but I cannot put into words how thankful I am for you. I apologize for the stupid decisions I made in the past and the hurtful words I said to you. Now I know all the reasons to why you ignored my mails when i was in New York. You wanted me to forget about everything at home, move on with my life and find myself. There are a lot of strong, influential women famous world wide but you are the strongest woman I know. No matter how bad something is, nothing can beat it. And I’m sorry on behalf of dad for promising to look after you for the rest of your life, be by your side, letting you sacrifice your life in Japan and asking you to start a new one in a new country. I’m sorry I’m not the best in school but I promise I will be the best daughter. Everything I do is for you because you deserve it. I don’t say it directly, but I love you and I cannot ask for someone else to be my best friend, sister and mother. I would not be who I am without your presence. Thank you for not leaving me and believing in me. Thank you for teaching me the strength of love.
To papa, if someone granted me one wish, impossible or possible, I wish for your happiness. As much as I was stressed, I apologize for not putting myself in your shoes. I know it’s hard not being able to see your daughters whenever you want to and living apart, but I want you to know that despite everything, I never stopped loving you and hoping the best for you. I understand that you made a wrong decision that took everything from you but nothing or no one can take me away from you. You will always be my one and only father. Every time I turned a year older, the first thing I wish for when I blow out my candles is to have you by my side and be able to spend more time with you. I hope you’re getting better and I pray for your health and happiness every night. I wish you were able to watch me grow because the person I know under all the bad decisions will be so proud of me. I will never love another man as much as I love you and you have my love forever. I appreciate and accept your apologies for not being the best father but I wouldn’t trade to call anyone else my father. I promise to take care of the family and you. It’s heart breaking when you lose some of your memories of me but it means the most to me when you never once forgot how much you loved and love me. Thank you for loving me endlessly. I know you’re not a bad person, you were just unlucky. I love you x
It’s not easy and it will take time, but I’m getting better every day and it’s all because of you guys surrounding me with love and happiness. This experience of mine made me stronger and understand that REALLY, everything is going to be ok. It just takes time.
Remember that no matter how much you’re chasing after someone, someone behind you loves you. Just turn around and look at what a beautiful person you deserve to have in your life. And always appreciate what someone does for you.
Nothing is the end of your world.
Wash your face, tie your hair up and smile.
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